Archive for October, 2009

Tradeoff

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Elora Gorge 060

事事没有完美,人就是不停的权衡利弊

我是出国好了还是工作好呢?现在的海龟多如牛毛,你看一个经济危机闹到人心惶惶。现在的工作不好找,还不如继续读书一鼓作气;
我是跟大牛老板好呢还是跟一般的老板?大牛老板既pushy又杂事多,保准不了他真能指导我。一般的老板起点低平台低但是可以做自己喜欢的;
我是买台式机呢还是买笔记本呢?买单反还是买一般DC呢?如果有钱真希望可以两个都买;
我是回国呢还是去Calgary的Banff旅游呢?回国可以吃到海底捞还有家常饭,回家可以通宵玩三国杀;但是Banff却美得一塌糊涂;

有无数的选择摆在面前,我们既期待有人可以直接告诉我们哪个是最好的选择,但是我们又舍不得把选择的机会让给别人。听了无数意见,反复思忖,专家打分,神经网络支撑向量机黑箱操作赋予不同的权重,最后终于选了一个,自此,好像人生就踏上了一个不可折回的跑道。

人是理性的动物,但人又是诗性的生物,所以不能用效用最大化来做选择,总有浪漫而心血来潮的时候。但唯一可以确认的就是,人肯定是永不知足的。就跟Agent-based model要模拟individual层次的行为,原则就是效用+偏好+随机。鬼知道我在说什么,抽搐~~

A defeat better than many victories

Sunday, October 25th, 2009

Elora Gorge 014

虽然我就读了两本毛姆的书,现在开始的是第三本,但是我还是想知道,他是不是每本小说之间都有错综复杂的关系。因为《月亮与六便士》里面是为了理想而抛弃一切的怪人,而这本《人性的枷锁》里面又是一个放弃虚妄的执着的跛脚男主角。正在看的《刀锋》一开始也提到了《月亮与六便士》,还是以作者“我”的第一人称视角在记叙故事。

毛姆另一个特点就是在每本书都探寻两个哲学层面的问题,一个就是信仰,常常里面人物会跟信仰的变化或者无神论扯上关系;而另一个就是生命的意义。这本里面借主角的超级情感分析能力,表达了他对生命的认识——生命本无意义——而人在大多数时候只是太自以为是而已。

life had no meaning. On the earth, satellite of a star speeding through space, living things had arisen under the influence of conditions which were part of the planet’s history; and as there had been a beginning of life upon it, so, under the influence of other conditions, there would be an end: man, no more significant than other forms of life, had come not as the climax of creation but as a physical reaction to the environment.

而下面这一段更是更详尽的表述了他的意思,人总觉得自己是万物之灵而追求生命效用的最大化,好像自己掌握命运的钥匙,岂不知这一切都是浮云。故事里面不断提到一个地毯的图案,把它比作人生,人生的平凡过程(出生,成长、结婚、生子、抚养和死亡)也就是这么一个再简单不过图案,但人总觉得着命中注定这些过程没有吸引力(追求精妙繁复的图案),致使在此过程之中的真正自我也模糊了,不会觉得这么简单的生活也是一种幸福。与其说屈服在这种简单下面是一种挫败,还不如说这是一个胜过千万成功的知足

As the weaver elaborated his pattern for no end but the pleasure of his aesthetic sense, so might a man live his life, or if one was forces to believe that his actions were outside his choosing, so might a man look at his life, that is made a pattern. Out of the manifold events of his life, his deeds, his feelings, his thoughts; and though it might be no more than an illusion that he had the power of selection, though it might be no more than a fantastic legerdemain in which appearances were interwoven with moonbeams, that did not matter:… In the vast warp of life (a river arsing from no spring and flowing endless to no sea), with the background to his fancies that there was no meaning and that nothing was important, a man might get a personal satisfactions in selecting the various strands that worked out the pattern. There was one pattern, the most obvious, perfect, and beautiful, in which a man was born, grown to manhood, married, produced children, toiled for his breed, and died; but there were other intricate and wonderful, in which happiness did not enter and in which success was not attempted; and in them might be discovered a more troubling grace.

It seems to him that all his life he had followed the ideas that other peoples, by their words or their writings, had instilled into him, and never the desires of his own heart. Always his course had be swayed by what he thought he should do and never by what he wanted with his whole soul to do. He thought of his desire to make a design, intricate and beautiful, out of the myriad, meaningless facts of life; had he not seen also that the simplest pattern, that in which a man was born, worked, married, had children, and die, was likewise the most perfect? It might be that to surrender to happiness was to accept defeat, but it was a defeat better than many victories.

《月亮和六便士》里面是一个被众人“唾弃”的“道德败坏”的艺术家,而《人性的枷锁》里面是身体上有残疾的中产阶级后代。无论他的几段恋情还是他几段职业的追求真的是坎坷,第一段是“姐弟恋”,第二段是被人暗恋,第三段是“我爱的人不爱我”,最后一段是“平凡才是最美好”;职业上金融界是完全没兴趣,艺术界则是不会发迹的平庸份子,医学界中间还掺杂了一段打苦力。这段经历其实很难同时发生在一个人身上,依照毛姆旅行和记录故事的习惯,应该是综合的结果。在经历了如此复杂的人生,主角还放弃了别人强加在自己身上的桎梏,寻找了对自己最重要的简单。

人都是缺陷的动物

Everyone has some defect, of body or of mind: he thought of all people he had known, he saw a long procession, deformed in body or warped in mind, some with illness of the flesh, weak hearts or weak lungs, and some with illness of the spirit, languor of will, or a craving for liquor. The only reasonable thing was to accept the good of men and be patient with their faults. The word of the dying God crossed his memory: “Forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

四十八分之十二:一周年

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

postcard from Oga Kazuo Art Collection, Japan, received in Oct. 2009

十月十六就是一周年了,一年前的那天凌晨坐着airway transit的车在401高速上,从黑暗的迷雾中看着安省南部一步步从晨曦的光芒中醒来,斑斓的红叶和视野开阔的郊区有一种梦幻的清醒,再往前的一年,彩虹博士在德国应该也有类似的经历。

前天,她发给我一位北大教授的采访,说到科研,说到坚持,坚持也是一种前进的动力;

周同学从日本寄来的明信片,好看的程度破表,那可是宫崎骏的作品;虽然我不想臆测选这张的原因,但是我又不得不联想到她曾经活跃的msn space叫“在路上”,这何曾不也是一种坚持。

yaleon老板支持他做科研是由于“至少坐得住”;小时候家里的爷爷奶奶总爱把我和大表姐做对比,说她做作业的时候雷都打不动,然后我也假装自己是“坐得住”,而现在我们都在加拿大。

就这样一年就过去了,我抛弃了很多,变化了很多,不变的也很多,有喜有悲,但总的来说一切都还好,谢谢关心的各位。

mediocre

Tuesday, October 6th, 2009

mississauga 071

想当年老妈应该是文艺女青年,因为在我小学考试的时候她就问我《好兵帅克》里面帅克被将军问过的问题:“你尽力了吗?”如果按照《读者文摘》的思路,那我应该当天当头棒喝自此发奋图强,但是迄今也没有尽力的迹象。

毛姆肯定是一个八卦善于观察生活的人,《人性的枷锁》里面菲利普童鞋当会计觉得自己不是那份料,学绘画明白自己最多不过是个平庸(mediocre)的二流画家,学医开始又陷入一场痴迷的爱恋害得挂科,我们每个人身边都有这么一个好像老没找到自己人生坐标的人。他尽力了吗?他是该不停选找自己生态位里面的利益最大化,还是碌碌无为但也知足常乐地过活下去。

回忆是一种中庸,它又酸又甜,比起当前,它多了一分温馨,毕竟人更多地选择记忆美好的过去,又少了一分现实,毕竟现在意味着以后的回忆;比起未来,它多了一分安全,毕竟明天的未知或多或少有种要深入虎穴的恐惧,又少了一分希望,毕竟无论如何它都木已成舟。将收到的明信片重新整理的时候,又忍不住翻看了一遍大家写满的字;经提醒翻看了几年前blog的只言片语,那时何其敏感细腻。

跟大豆聊天的时候被问到是不是最近心情低落,说从文字能看出来,其实生活它就那样在走,我有些时候走在前面有些时候落在后面,我还没到抑郁但也不算信心满满。

跟姚猪聊天的时候她说很能体会我出国的孤单,其实小妮子一个人在民航学院又是异地恋又是结婚照样乐观得天塌下来我们会帮她顶着的样子。我跟她老公赵同学一样健身学习旅行跟国内朋友哈拉哈拉,生活不空虚也不能说很充实。

我妈说的对,我有抱负,但是我一种保存实力不尽全力的习惯,所以老多线程每个线程80多分;菲利普帮毛姆说的也对,做一个二流的画家永远不可能养活自己,但是换成一个二流的会计却可以活得还不错;回忆也说的对,它看似平凡无奇,却能让你睡梦中也带着笑脸醉酒后可以放肆抒发;大豆姚猪说的对,寂寞好像挺是那么一回事,特别是你将自己的孤独和旁人的喧嚣比较之下,但是寂寞也就那么一回事,它挥之不去求之不来。

这一切的一切,都卡在中间,不好又不坏,如果是法国人,他们肯定会拍一部看起来打瞌睡但是照样得奖无数的艺术电影,美其名曰C’est La Vie的生活哲学。我实在想不到怎么结束这段文字,只有说当哪天我英文也能表达这种情绪,那也就一场牛逼哄哄自恋。

中秋

Sunday, October 4th, 2009

从401高速上下来的时候,就看到它明晃晃的挂在那儿,时间是傍晚雨霁之后,配上华灯初上的建筑,忍不住惊诧的倒吸一口凉气,外国的月亮真是圆。

乔治叫我写东西,本来想写一篇很长的,但是跳着看完阅兵时间是凌晨一点半,虽然神清气爽但是还是只想说,吃到从大统华买回来的4刀一个的散装绿茶味港式月饼,我内牛满面啊。

到了Waterloo夜已深,在Waterloo inn偷偷掰了6支玉米,自嘲一下中国留学生的艰苦偷菜生活,顺道拍了这张黑夜下的月亮,如果能抓拍住今天乌云里面那个闪电,那人生就完美了。最后,祝大家共婵娟共此时。

mid-autumn festive 012