With a world in crisis and an art market spinning out of control, ace art-world consultants Chen & Lampert deliver a quiz full of hard choices for Art in America readers from far and wide.
Your paintings lack dimension, your photos aren’t in focus, and your sculptures can’t stand up on their own. A kind teacher with funny glasses suggests that you might be your own best material. After watching a couple Ron Athey and Linda Montano videos, you wonder: should I make performance art? Before risking it all in public, test your readiness by taking this survey.
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1. How comfortable are you with constantly challenging and reinventing your artistic identity?
a) I don’t know who I am, so what does it matter?
b) If that means wearing wigs, count me in
c) Sorry, I can only be me
2. How important is it to have a direct impact on your audience’s emotions?
a) I want everyone to throw up
b) I want everyone to cry
c) I want everyone to regret coming to my show
3. You see someone half-naked and convulsing in an irregular trancelike manner. You know that they are:
a) Deep in a K-hole at a Bushwick rave
b) Swatting away murder hornets
c) Practicing “movement research”
4. How well do you handle criticism and rejection?
a) Criticism helps me grow
b) Criticism is valid
c) Critics are all failed artists and I reject everything they say
5. How ready are you to push boundaries and challenge societal norms?
a) Society did this to me—now I’m doing it back to society
b) I transcended using deodorant, so I am above it all
c) I believe in family values and chastity
6. How important is it to make a statement or provoke a reaction through your art?
a) Art makes people feel better about bad things
b) I want people to question their own culpability while I desecrate a Hello Kitty doll
c) Your protests won’t stop me from shaving off my eyebrows
7. You have no problem stapling a handwritten manifesto inked in your own blood to your scrotum. You are inspired by:
a) Chris Burden
b) Johnny Knoxville
c) Tucker Carlson
8. How do you feel about the possibility of performing in unusual or unexpected locations?
a) #keepitweird
b) Performing in Alabama would be strange, but I suppose it can be done
c) I’m developing a series of monologues to be staged in public restrooms along Interstate 95
9. How do you plan to make a career from your performance art?
a) I will sell my soiled undies on OnlyFans
b) I will sporadically adjunct before becoming an astrologist
c) I will ask “cup or cone?” in a fake Danish accent while scooping at Häagen-Dazs
10. Which of these insiders can advance your performance art career?
a) Rube Goldberg
b) Whoopi Goldberg
c) RoseLee Goldberg
SCORES
10–16:
The only person you should perform for is your psychiatrist. Keep off the stage if you want to stay in touch with your quick-to-shame family.
17–23:
Karaoke is a fun way to loosen up, but for most it takes a couple drinks to hit the high notes. How drunk do you think you have to be to get a show at The Kitchen? Be careful or you’ll find out.
24–30:
Chances are we’ll be seeing more of you soon, by which we mean your glitter-and-cashew-butter-covered naked body. You might not be able to paint, but you sure can muck around.