《布鲁克林一棵树》是近来看得最美的一本书。这是一本成长小说（coming-of-aging），故事就是一个住在布鲁克林的小女孩和他的家人们在读大学之前的故事，美在于小说的细节，对于女主角Francie的性格的刻画。读完之后忍不住在豆瓣标记一个力荐。虽然去纽约的时候根本没有坐车去过布鲁克林那一边，但是那些小细节的故事着实给人力量。

Francie家里很穷，但是她爱阅读，很小的年龄就每天去布鲁克林的破旧图书馆借书读。其实这类似纪传体的写法应该也掺杂了作者的回忆，而对于这段经历，写道：“From that time on the world was hers for the reading. She would never be lonely again, never miss the lack of intimate friends. There were other worlds besides the world she had been born into and that these other worlds were not unattainable.” 这段话与前两天看到的那句“我明白要让自己还保有一丝灵气，唯一的办法是读书和自勉”有异曲同工之妙。

Francie的性格继承了母亲的坚韧和父亲的想象力。生在一个穷困的家庭，她妈妈说“You must learn to take a joke, Francie, otherwise life will be pretty hard on you”。作为没有朋友而又有一个妈妈偏爱的弟弟的女孩，小时候的生活是很艰辛的。需要去排队“抢”半价的食物，需要打发一个人的孤单时间，幸运的是她学会了想象。Francie第一次撒谎没有被惩罚反而学会了区分谎言和想象力，而这个想象力帮她度过了很多孤单寂寞的艰辛生活。“Maybe they know their own gift of imagination colored too rosily the poverty and brutality of their lives and made them able to endure it”。

由于爱看书的缘故，Francie在学校的写作课程上面成绩优异，但是随着父亲的离开，她温婉浪漫的笔调开始转向了人生的思考，开始转向了人性的恶人生的残酷，她的作文老师为此跟她产生了冲突。但是Francie倔强地接受了她的转变，哪怕作文在其他所有A的成绩里面是C减。很佩服一个十来岁的女孩子在权威的老师面前有如此独立而自主的思考能力。

其中有一段特别震撼，是当她和弟弟在要进入高中之前，家里的钱只够一个孩子上高中。妈妈问两个小孩的意思，Francie说她非常继续读书，而弟弟却说他想打工赚钱养家。妈妈的决定是弟弟去上学而Francie继续在纽约（曼哈顿）工作。这段故事之所以震撼在于一者，当Francie说想读书弟弟说不想读书的时候，Francie就开始痛哭，因为她已经预计到了妈妈的决定；二者，妈妈给的理由是如果是你想要的，作为我们家族的女孩子你一定会去争取，而你弟弟这样放弃了的却一定要让他上学。三者，Francie最后“逼问”妈妈是不是自小就偏袒弟弟，妈妈没有正面否认但她最后体谅了母亲。这一连串的剧情，最后经过作者的口说出“That’s where the whole trouble is, …., we are too much alike to understand each other because we don’t even understand our own selves.”

有些时候，人最搞不懂的就是自己。明明喜欢但却不能说出口，因为暗恋可以避免受伤害吗？明明期望对方可以主动联系，忍不住联系了又字斟句酌探索对方的态度是冷漠还是热情？明明需要冷却的时间自由的空间，明明说好了冷处理不主动但却抑制不住想联系的念想。

Francie也经历了亲人的离开和两段“失败”的恋爱，经历过后她说“I guess being needed is almost as good as being loved. Maybe better.”而妈妈却斩钉截铁地说：“You will be happy again, never fear. But you won’t forget.”“In the firm schedule of life, there was no heading labeled “loneliness””. “I hate all those flity-birty games that women make up. Life is too short. If you ever find a man you love, don’t waste time hanging your head and simpering.”

最终Francie还是进了大学，她的妈妈还迎来了生命里面第二个男人，虽然她知道他不可能疯狂的爱他了，但是她知道他会是个好爸爸而她会是个好妻子。他们在一起对于未来对于家里的两个孩子以及新到来的婴儿都是美好的。Francie和她弟弟在这个时候，还为他们的小妹妹不能经历这种艰辛成长的快乐而惋惜。坚韧的情绪已经化作幽默深入了他们的成长。而对于未来的想象力让Francie迎来了新的恋爱。

布鲁克林的那棵树，具有想象力和坚韧的树，最后长大了去了密歇根读大学，而又有新的小女孩在树荫下读书。

整个长篇还有很多很多小故事，Francie的外婆，姨妈们故事，邻居，父亲工作的酒吧的老板的故事。每一个小故事独立出来读都那么熟悉亲切可爱，而贯穿着的不屈和向上的情绪，确实让读者心境开阔。幸福有些时候就是一些小事，“people always think that happiness is a faraway thing, something complicated and hard to get. Yet, what little things can make it up — a place of shelter when it rains; a cup of strong hot coffee when you are blue; for a man, a cigarette for contentment; a book to read when you are alone — just to be with someone you love. Those things make happiness.”

生活中我身边朋友总有人抱怨我被工作我被单调的生活磨平，其实谁又不是呢？我们每个人都面临单调的生活，当波澜来的时候我们又措手不及处理不当，空留下无奈和遗憾。虽说时间可以治愈伤口，阳光可以扫尽阴霾，但是乐观和向上的情绪，积极而投入的生活才是解救生活平淡的良药吧。

虽然我就读了两本毛姆的书，现在开始的是第三本，但是我还是想知道，他是不是每本小说之间都有错综复杂的关系。因为《月亮与六便士》里面是为了理想而抛弃一切的怪人，而这本《人性的枷锁》里面又是一个放弃虚妄的执着的跛脚男主角。正在看的《刀锋》一开始也提到了《月亮与六便士》，还是以作者“我”的第一人称视角在记叙故事。

毛姆另一个特点就是在每本书都探寻两个哲学层面的问题，一个就是信仰，常常里面人物会跟信仰的变化或者无神论扯上关系；而另一个就是生命的意义。这本里面借主角的超级情感分析能力，表达了他对生命的认识——生命本无意义——而人在大多数时候只是太自以为是而已。

life had no meaning. On the earth, satellite of a star speeding through space, living things had arisen under the influence of conditions which were part of the planet’s history; and as there had been a beginning of life upon it, so, under the influence of other conditions, there would be an end: man, no more significant than other forms of life, had come not as the climax of creation but as a physical reaction to the environment.

而下面这一段更是更详尽的表述了他的意思，人总觉得自己是万物之灵而追求生命效用的最大化，好像自己掌握命运的钥匙，岂不知这一切都是浮云。故事里面不断提到一个地毯的图案，把它比作人生，人生的平凡过程（出生，成长、结婚、生子、抚养和死亡）也就是这么一个再简单不过图案，但人总觉得着命中注定这些过程没有吸引力（追求精妙繁复的图案），致使在此过程之中的真正自我也模糊了，不会觉得这么简单的生活也是一种幸福。与其说屈服在这种简单下面是一种挫败，还不如说这是一个胜过千万成功的知足。

As the weaver elaborated his pattern for no end but the pleasure of his aesthetic sense, so might a man live his life, or if one was forces to believe that his actions were outside his choosing, so might a man look at his life, that is made a pattern. Out of the manifold events of his life, his deeds, his feelings, his thoughts; and though it might be no more than an illusion that he had the power of selection, though it might be no more than a fantastic legerdemain in which appearances were interwoven with moonbeams, that did not matter:… In the vast warp of life (a river arsing from no spring and flowing endless to no sea), with the background to his fancies that there was no meaning and that nothing was important, a man might get a personal satisfactions in selecting the various strands that worked out the pattern. There was one pattern, the most obvious, perfect, and beautiful, in which a man was born, grown to manhood, married, produced children, toiled for his breed, and died; but there were other intricate and wonderful, in which happiness did not enter and in which success was not attempted; and in them might be discovered a more troubling grace.

It seems to him that all his life he had followed the ideas that other peoples, by their words or their writings, had instilled into him, and never the desires of his own heart. Always his course had be swayed by what he thought he should do and never by what he wanted with his whole soul to do. He thought of his desire to make a design, intricate and beautiful, out of the myriad, meaningless facts of life; had he not seen also that the simplest pattern, that in which a man was born, worked, married, had children, and die, was likewise the most perfect? It might be that to surrender to happiness was to accept defeat, but it was a defeat better than many victories.

《月亮和六便士》里面是一个被众人“唾弃”的“道德败坏”的艺术家，而《人性的枷锁》里面是身体上有残疾的中产阶级后代。无论他的几段恋情还是他几段职业的追求真的是坎坷，第一段是“姐弟恋”，第二段是被人暗恋，第三段是“我爱的人不爱我”，最后一段是“平凡才是最美好”；职业上金融界是完全没兴趣，艺术界则是不会发迹的平庸份子，医学界中间还掺杂了一段打苦力。这段经历其实很难同时发生在一个人身上，依照毛姆旅行和记录故事的习惯，应该是综合的结果。在经历了如此复杂的人生，主角还放弃了别人强加在自己身上的桎梏，寻找了对自己最重要的简单。

人都是缺陷的动物

Everyone has some defect, of body or of mind: he thought of all people he had known, he saw a long procession, deformed in body or warped in mind, some with illness of the flesh, weak hearts or weak lungs, and some with illness of the spirit, languor of will, or a craving for liquor. The only reasonable thing was to accept the good of men and be patient with their faults. The word of the dying God crossed his memory: “Forgive them, for they know not what they do”.

摘抄的有如下：

I did not believe him capable of love. That is an emotion in which tenderness is an essential part, but…; there is in love a sense of weakness, a desire to protect, an eagerness to do good and to give pleasure if not unselfishness, at all events a selfishness which marvelously conceals itself; it has in it a certain diffidence… Love is absorbing; it takes the lover out of himself; the most clear-sighted, though he may know, cannot realise that his love will cease; it gives body to what he knows is illusion, and knowing it is nothing else, he loves it better than reality. It makes a man a little more than himself, and at the same time a little less. He ceased to be himself. He is no longer an individual, but a thing, an instrument to some purpose foreign to his ego. Love is never quite devoid of sentimentality, or I could not believe that he would ever suffer that possession of himself which love is;… I suppose that everyone’s conception of the passion is formed on his own idiosyncrasies, and it is different with every different person.

爱总可以让人多出点什么，少一点什么，变成不是我熟悉的自我。

I like the picture of him, starting at the age of forty-seven, when most men have already settled comfortably in a groove, for a new world. I saw him, the sea gray under the mistral and foam-flecked, watching the vanishing coast of France, which he was destined never to see again; and I thought there was something gallant in his bearing and dauntless in his soul. I wish so to end on a note of hope.. It seemed to emphasize the unconquerable spirit of man. But I could not manage it.

当您47的时候，您还有抛弃一切虚幻追求内心的声音的勇气吗？大多数人都不是小宇宙强大到如此地步的吧。

I have an idea that some men are born out of their due place. Accident has cast them amid certain surroundings, but they have always a nostalgia for a home they know not. They are stranger in their birthplace, and the leafy lanes they have known from childhood or the populous streets in which they have played, remain but a place of passage… Perhaps it is this sense of strangeness that sends men far and wide in the search for something permanent, to which they may attach themselves. Perhaps some deep-rooted atavism urges the wanderer back to island which is ancestors left in the dim beginning of history. Sometimes a man hits upon a place to which he mysteriously feels that he belongs. Here is the home he sought, and he will settle amid scenes that he has never seen before, among men he has never known, as though, they were familiar to him from his birth. Here at last he finds rest.

没有追求的浅薄和有个世俗的追求的浅薄是一样的浅薄吧，如果不停的漂泊是为了以后的停泊，那趁年轻的时候，多寻找一下那个与你内心共鸣的伯牙叔齐吧。候鸟已经开始迁徙，他们靠日月星辰磁场，我们靠爱与希望。

PS. 看完小说，发现一句都没有提到月亮和六便士，google之，原来如此～～

As matters were in those days, a good man could not be an official; an active man could not be official; an impatient man could not be an official; an honest man could not be an official; a scholarly man could not be a an official; a too intelligent man could not be an official; a sensitive or conscientious man not be an official; a man with too much courage could not be an official. Officialdom, even the corrupt mandarinate of those times, was not of one pattern, because officialdom drew from too many sources, being like a sea into which were dumped all the children of official families and all who could not make a living otherwise, and there were naturally some who were honest, some who were scholarly, some who were active and some who were conscientious. But, in this big “sea of officialdom”, as we say, there many winds and waves, and some sank and some swam. and only those who had a combination of active spirit and intelligence, plus a touch of ruthlessness, rode on the tides of success. Among the myriads who filled the posts of bureaucracy, a man who was neither too honest, nor too impatient, nor too desirous of getting things done or getting things changed, nor too sensitive or too conscientious and who was backed by good connections, was fairly sure to have a successful career.

书才看了12章，里面的Mulan小姐着实可爱，跟其名字隐含的卓尔不群的气质一样，是一个“离经叛道”但又“循规蹈矩”的女孩子；而其父亲的道家逍遥和noninterferring思想和Tseng家传统的儒家中庸思想和各种条条框框，以及嫁入不久就成为寡妇的Mannia的因果轮回报应的佛教思想，总感觉会让外国人看了之后心中暗叫WTF/WTH。呵呵，可能跟我看《我的名字叫红》的时候有些地方完全不能理解一样吧。

话说收到姚猪寄来的flash结婚请帖，这个周末又有一对会哭的很惨吧，下一篇来写写这两对新人的爱情八卦吧，吼吼

跟学校的英语老师聊天的时候，聊到了Slumdog Millionaire，聊到了视角的问题，她跟我说她还在中学的时候老是要负责监护学生，有些人被分配到体育馆，有些人分配到停车场，但是有一个老师却不愿意去停车场，我的老师百思不得其解为什么不想去停车场保护学生，当另外那位老师说停车场那些hip-pop的人和音乐会吓到她并且可能会有毒品交易的时候，我的老师才明白。她的结论是，当别人没有给你打开一个视角的时候，你根本不会想到这些，后来只有觉得自己多么愚蠢（她还重读了stupid两次）。

出来读书，很大的收获还在于开阔了自己的视野，所以乱七八糟记录下一些奇奇怪怪的想法

如果你必须在央视春晚当其中一员，你选什么？
我选接线员，又可以上镜头，又不用怕打哈欠，还不用使劲拍手或者说话主持唱歌，只用假装接电话看到镜头微笑

fraternal feeling
这个单词是才学会的，是男校学生的专用词吧，也是这周第一次打羽毛球想起来的。发现跟很多人处于这种状态，比如彩虹博士，她就敢跟我说她喝酒了失眠了想家了逃避了；又比如darktemplar，我们之间再怎么互相损也非常只好；再比如遥望和tsing，再怎么被我欺负都还那么信任我；还有一堆过年打电话过去震惊到的朋友（大狗狗师兄，你是在电话里面和QQ里面最不一样的两个人，电话里面好成都人很舒服）。爱情有些时候也需要fraternity调剂。

停滞的文化烙印
这个是淼同学提到的，我觉得很有道理。为什么多伦多的旧Chinatown那么破败感，哪怕北方的新Chinatown也有一种历史感，就是由于他们的中国文化由于移民就停滞在那个年代了。比如上面照片的一张素食餐厅，地上也有拜的一个不知名的中国传统财神，电视放着奇怪的吴侬歌，而他们的语境中已经没有流行词汇了。

上周看UW的报纸，其中有一个CBC（Canadian Born Chinese）谈到CBC和FOB （Fresh Off the Boat）的区别，如果你去google一下也能发现他们巨大的差别。简而言之可以说CBC是西化的中国脸，而FOB基本就是中国人，他们身上的文化痕迹差别很大。不过就我现在遇到的一个口语tutor和一个另一个一起做TA的CBC来看，我没有感觉到那么大的差别。她们两个都是香港人，都是当年父母移民过来的，但是他们都很好相处。

另外，今天监考，发现加拿大真的移民国家，参加考试的事一年级的学生很多人连试卷上面的英文单词意思都不完全懂，TA的职责就是给他们想单词解释单词，在国内都算作弊了吧。

另一个自己
中国先贤最喜欢的一件事情就是自省，不过Orhan Pamuk把他推到了极致，看鸭梨推荐的《白色城堡》，将近看完猜到结局就去豆瓣了一下，才发现作者就是那个《我的名字是红》的诺奖获得者。很令人迷醉但不能说舒服的一种读书感，看白色城堡的时候，当然也有可能是从Turkish到English我再读的原因，不过听说中文版本的翻译更是破破烂烂。用鸭梨那天的叽歪来说，那就是人在旁观自己身体内的猪，不过Pamuk做到了让整个故事更具有诗意和寓意，还有一种东西文化的交流感（看他的《红》的时候，也能感觉到这种古怪的文化冲撞感），这就是那种看了之后有很多感触但你就是无法描述的感受吧。

当然也让我想起搏击俱乐部，人格分裂或者类似的，最后给自己脑子一枪，世界就安静了。人都是最爱自己的动物，也是最保护自己的动物。所以往往表象的行动跟内心的想法背道而驰。比如对很多事情无所谓的人，其实是怕有所谓了更伤害自己；理智沉着的人，可能是对于未来更没有信心；洁癖条理更多是为了掩盖自己的体臭和邋遢。

什么样子的照片好
我也不知道，曾经看过别人说，最早拍照片是拍什么是什么，之后是拍什么都觉得不好，再之后是看到的人都说好看，再之后是在也跨不过的瓶颈，最后是每张照片都有一种情感。这个真的太难了，照片跟人生不一样，我们不能拿微距截取一段，也不能用全景奢望全部，按照损友DT的话，就是最坏的打算最好的准备和态度。

哪怕夜阑人静，哪怕寂寞难念，哪怕险阻重重，也继续上路。

突然就到了三个月了，又过了15号才写这个，可能是由于生日的原因，也可能是新学期，竟然都没有写点什么，过生日都没有好好回顾过去计划未来，太不摩羯座了。上周周五和新认识的同乡师兄（虽然他认为我是大叔脸自己是小孩子）在CLV他家玩的时候，说到生日，意味深长地被说25就是四舍五入三十了，突然有一种被敲了一棒子的感觉，好像也是该考虑年龄和未来免得浑浑噩噩过日子的时候了。

套用Brothers & Sisters里面的话，30岁之前的青春就是在船厂造的船（Ship is built）,30岁之后的岁月船已经启航（ship is sailed），那60岁的生活船就开始沉默了（ship is sinking）。

终于牛年快来了，在过去的一个月里面，也收到很多新年明信片和生日贺卡，可能是我这辈子迄今收到最多的中国邮政有奖明信片。最美妙的际遇就是一连收到三张没有署名的从西班牙寄来的密密麻麻写满字的明信片，可能是豆瓣的活动，但是我写过去询问的信却石沉大海，但是看明信片上写满的自言自语和对方说冒昧地把我带入了这趟西班牙的旅途，真的有一种特别的温馨。就像一百集的Desperate Housewives一样，回归了温暖的回忆，提醒我们只要我们稍微留心一下，对周围的人多留意一点，生活就不会像你想的那样没有生机。所以我把买来的明信片也密密匝匝地写到没有地方贴邮票为止（话说上次我想了半天也想不起膏字如何写）。顺道贴上两张明信片，一个是牛一个是寿，就如另一张贺卡写的一样，纵使千山万水，也隔不开我们（Alps and ocean divide us, but they ever will unless you wish it）。

上个星期生日那天，上了第一节正式的课程，晚上帮大使馆干了完全不靠谱的一件事情，昨天还打电话来让我写一个报告（btw.谢谢程总一再提醒我小心行事），我直接说我不会写报告让这个事情就此了结，我也准备在这次除夕聚餐活动办完辞掉所谓的副主席的位子，毕竟自己不是那块料，我还是喜欢像geowhy这样更小众一点的团体。生活的目标更明确了，也结识了一些朋友一起煮辣到拉肚子的川菜一起去CIF打球。

Waterloo的生活很清淡，昨天看到一篇豆瓣上面看过周国平的论寂寞，真的写得很好，无怪乎tsing那么喜欢他。其实清淡的生活也好，喧嚣的生活也好，人总是会适应的，人总会不断找适应的方式和方法最后来一个相对的心安理得。Waterloo的生活真的不精彩，不过我本来生活就比较宅，和不喜欢的人一起虚情假意的热闹还不如让我对着天空发呆或者拿着相机走走停停乱拍。这样看来，它是一个适合做学问的地方。并且就跟当年学地理一样，一来的懵懵懂懂到后来会喜欢上，六年的师大生活让我夹杂着对北京和BNU的怀念想念着那里的人，那里的朋友，那里大大小小莫名其妙无聊无意义的活动。我也开始渐渐对Waterloo有了这份情怀。

段义孚先生最新的Dear Colleagues写到了奥巴马，“The American president, ideally, has the beauty of Apollo, the compassion of Buddha, the command of Moses, and the wisdom of Solomon. I hope Obama fits the bill. ”。今天也是瞩目的宣誓就职日，虽然里面提到的Socialism部分被屏蔽掉了，但是至少我们真的到了变革的年代。跟Jessica（English Tutor）聊天的时候，有几个问题确实让我很难回答，哪怕用中文也很难，一个是我一开始就决定读Ph.D吗？一个是为什么来Waterloo读Ph.D？一个是未来会干什么？这些问题可能还需要归结到所谓的改变的力量吧，或者也是段义孚说的另外一种逃避主义（Escaptism）。我们由于怕勾起心里那最真挚的一份感觉，往往选择用逃避或者回避的方式迂回地绕过（detour）一件事情，并且这种处理方式是那么隐形和下意识（潜意识），这种弗洛伊德方式的分析结论和我后脑突出的反骨可能就是我不停追求改变的原因吧。这些改变，只是让事业心和好胜心强烈的摩羯座不断进步的关键吧。这也就是所谓Small fish和Large pond的关系吧。也和darktemplar聊起为什么要做学术，其实我也想自己创业，总幻想一群朋友一起打拼是多么美好（但也清楚地认识这是多么单纯幼稚可笑的想法），所以才会想着以后跟rainbowrain，darktemplar甚至tsing，yaleon一起做学术，来一个独立研究所，就跟独立制片一样NiuX轰轰的。总而言之，和darktemplar的结论是学术这条路，对于过去，我们轻车熟路，对于未来，我们踌躇满志。

拉拉杂杂絮絮叨叨写了那么多鸡毛蒜皮的零星小事，回头一看没有一点逻辑有些句子甚至完全不通，符合我的跳跃性思维路线。人生廿五，很多人叫我叔叔，但我依然很年轻。

PS.最近知道后脑有风池穴，这边天寒地冻的，按住那个穴位真的会涨痛，看来受寒不轻啊。
另一个PS.最近由于友人推荐，有两首歌一直在脑中重复好恐怖，一个是庾澄庆反常的《叶子》，一个是张国荣的《我》，有心人自己去听吧